April 26th, 2013
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you . . . (Jeremiah 1:5a). This brings me great joy. The Lord is speaking to Jeremiah, but this is a universal message. The Lord knew each of us before we were born and before the foundations of the earth; and he knows those who have never seen the light of day.
My husband and I were surprised to find out that we were expecting another child. We feel very blessed to have three healthy beautiful children and decided that we would enjoy the three blessing the good Lord entrusted to us. So, you can imagine our surprise when we found out we were pregnant. We were not trying nor did we have any “accident,” so we were, dare I say, confused as to “how” we were pregnant. After a couple days of being in complete shock, we were ready to celebrate. My husband and I were excited and ready to watch our little one grow in the womb and introduce our fourth blessing into the world on our due date, Thanksgiving.
Maybe it was the unplanned pregnancy that made me uneasy. There was something unsettling about it, yet I passed it off as a feeling of fear of the unexpected. On Wednesday, March 27, 2013, I had a dream that I miscarried and when I woke up within my dream I was bleeding really heavy. When I awoke into my literal world I jumped to my feet and checked! Phew, thank the Lord, we were fine. Throughout the following week we began exploring baby names and feeling all those wonderful feelings about bringing another baby into our family when my dream became my realty. As I woke on Wednesday, April 3, 2013, only seven days after my dream I rose to my feet and went to the bathroom for relieve some overnight fluid and there is was . . . a bloody mess. Some may say that the Lord forewarned me seven days before the event, maybe he was trying to prepare me, maybe that’s the actual day I lost the baby (science says a women usually loses the baby a week before miscarrying, although not always an absolute), but the dream was happening. This fearful, heart wrenching dream was now real.
I burst into tears and ran upstairs to embrace my husband. I can only imagine what it sounded like when the wretched cry screeched out of my mouth, “I am bleeding!” I had already shared my dream from the week prior with my husband as well as my mother. He knew what I meant.
Of course, I followed procedures and went to visit my doctor immediately. She prepped me for a miscarriage and stated my body was, “threatening to miscarry.” My husband and I had a fifty-fifty chance of meeting our unexpected addition due on Thanksgiving day. I bled for the remainder of the day, through the might and by the afternoon of Thursday, April 4, 2013, our tiny baby and his/her placenta delivered itself. Immediate dilemma. As I am standing over the toilet looking at the baby’s sac and it’s life line slipping to the bottom of the toilet I had two very quick, yet horrifying thoughts flash through my mind. The first was horrifying, “My baby is dead in the toilet!” But my God arrived on the scene and said, “No, that is your baby’s body. You’re baby is with me.” And I broke down into tears. That voice was the truth, that still small voice of the Lord that told me that was merely the body of my unborn child; he told me the truth. My baby was not in that toilet. It made the pain a bit more bearable.
The Lord’s plan is always best. We do not always understand his reasons and may want to disagree with his Will, but He is a God of Truth, Omniscient, and full of love and compassion. It is in moments like these that you learn what it is like to trust him. It certainly isn’t the first and unfortunately it will not be our last, but in one of my “darkest hours” I heard him once again. He does not forsake his people, he is there through every moment whether in celebration or alone in a silent bathroom starring at your unborn child wondering whether or not you should flush. He is there . . . just waiting for you to hear him.
We named our baby today, Dakota, so he/she has a name. Although we did not meet our precious little one, the Lord knew our baby the whole time. That is comforting.
Ephesians 1:4-5 (NIV)
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will — to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
Sometimes, we simply have to learn to live without answers and live by faith.